I will back up a bit.
I had been attending a Christian Liberal Arts College, one that allowed me to take my first two years of my four year Bachelor’s degree mixed in with some Biblically based courses and to be on a campus with people that were also Christians.
Sadly all of late night chat and times of prayers, hugs and crying sessions were about to be tested.
It’s important to note that our dorm had a curfew and of we were to be away over a night or weekend, we needed to let our Resident Director know in advance.
In hind sight, I think this is the structure that i had craved all my life and the sense of family and belonging that I had longed for.
Immediately following my mother telling me that Jamie had been killed and that i couldn’t stay with the rest of the family, she did one of the cruelest things a parent could do and it was not the first such thing she had done it to me. Just a couple of years prior, Jamie had been in a freak accident at work that had everyone bone in face shattered and put him in a coma and she had asked me to tell my dad. Now she was telling me to be the one to tell my dad that his own son was dead!!
As I arrived back at the dorm to gather my things, I thought that first i had to tell my RD i wouldn’t be back for a couple of nights so I knocked on her door. As she answered it, o found myself just staring at her and try as I might, nothing came out of my mouth. I do recall eventually reaching behind to brace myself against the hallway wall and sliding down in sobs and finally uttering that I wouldn’t be sleeping there tonight because my brother was dead.
She said “ok,” That was it!and she just kept staring. She did not walk toward me to hug me, to see if I needed anything, invite me in, nothing. Just “ok.” I realized in that moment that my emotions, my real emotions needed to stay on lockdown.
As I walk through the hallway upstairs from my room to the bathroom to gather my belongings, girls that would normally interact with me suddenly were looking at the ground, shutting their doors or just plain ignoring me. I was a pariah. This group of grinds mean to support, uplift, encourage, suddenly didn’t have anything to say. I used the communal phone to make that heartbreaKing call to my dad and got in my car and screamed at the top of my lungs!!!!